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Mercenary: 11 dreams

17/10/04 || Lord K Philipson

Mercenary… ‘sigh‘… Now this is one good album. Sludgy and catchy English death metal, fuckers… IF we were to talk about the bombardment released by Bolt Thrower that is. And how I wish we were. The band who ripped off Bolt Thrower’s title for their name isn’t anything close to the magnificence that the Bolts’ possess.

Can you say “pretentious”?

P-R-E-T-E-N-T-I-O-U-S.

Good fuckers, good.

Being pretentious isn’t necessarily a fuck-bad thing, but I’m not sure if it’s the best thing either when it comes to play… lemme see… metal. And nope, The Project Hate ain’t pretentious, we are downright fucken domination.

Blowjob.

I know I heard an album by these guys (Mercenary, not Bolt Thrower) once and I think I liked it. Don’t even ask me how that happened coz I’m not fucken sure anymore if it was this band seeing this album is… lemme put it out nicely for ya: not exactly my kind of pussyjuice.

When you play metal, you need to throw in some balls. I don’t care if those balls are shaved (like mine) or hairy (like yours), big (like mine) or small (like yours), as long as there are some goddamn balls in it. Mercenary could pretty much pass for a bunch of chicks if it wasn’t for their birth names giving them away.

High-pitched vocals people… High-pitched fucken vocals… Mikkel Sandager’s got that, and he’s more than willing to pour them all over us without even asking. When his non-existing balls are not crushed between the elevator-doors in the mall, he sets for screaming a little lower. It’s not as bad as the real high-pitched ones then, but that’s not saying much I’m afraid. Check out the track “Firesoul” for some ass-vocals de-luxe. I think this track was intentionally called “Fire Ass” coz he sings just like that. How good of a joke was that? Splendid I tell you, splendid.

But anyways…

So the guy can probably be considered a good technical vocalist? Good for him. I just wish he didn’t do it in my stereo. Coz if you sing like this at my place, you ask for a good bashing. I don’t think I’m alone thinking these guys maybe shouldn’t throw albums the Global Domination-way seeing they got a well-deserved last fucken place in the Audio Autopsy section for October, 2004.

Is it metal? Hmm… I guess it is some kind of metal. Non-ballsey metal for sure, and I don’t think I even know what the fuck that means. I just don’t get this absolutely pointless version of metal. Yngwie Malmsteen-ish solos all over the place, just so we know they can really play. So, the guys can play… Wohoo… That’s real good for them, now all we need is for these guys to actually learn how to put in some brutality into their shit and make it a bit more interesting. Except for the solos we have a real neat cocktail of Queensrÿche-ish melodies mixed with some majestic choirs that makes me wanna piss on my computer, set it on fire and give it to charity.

Sometimes they actually throw in some heavier shit and growly vocals (I bet bassist Kral is the one to blame for the growls and whatnot) so I won’t think they are complete pussies… Sorry guys, too fucken little too fucken late. I know you can play and everything, you just can’t play especially heavy nor catchy, and I need that to appreciate my music you know. There’s no denying you do yer shit ok and all as well as there’s absolutely no denying it bores the fucken daylights out of me.

When the best track on the album (“Music Non-Stop”) ends up being a cover of the Swedish band Kent, you know it’s time to do something else. I better get back to listening to that Bolt Thrower album I talked about in the beginning. By the way, I can’t believe guitarist Jakob once played with Panzerchrist. I bet my vagina he was fired for trying to incorporate cheesy riffs into them.

To round this shit up:

If Mercenary was a porn-movie they’d be a well-produced limp cock.

4 pussy-assed riffs out of 10

Information
Released: 2004
Label: Century Media
Website: www.mercenary.dk
Band
Mikkel: vocals
Morten: keyboard
Jakob: guitars
Kral: vocals, bass
Mike: drums

Tracklist
01. Into the Sea of Dark Desires
02. World Hate Center
03. 11 Dreams
04. reDestructDead
05. Firesoul
06. Sharpen the Edges
07. Supremacy v2.0
08. Music Non Stop
09. Falling
10. Times Without Changes
11. Loneliness

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